Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: animals, cat, dance, insanity, Marianne Baker, music, power, squirrels, trail mix, Uncategorized
Greetings, my little sugarpumpkins. It’s a brand new day. It’s a brand new blog.
Before we go any further, I should probably clear up a little matter regarding my identity. To whom it concerns, Marianne Baker is dead. I killed her. From now on, I would like to be referred to as Squirrel Power. Thank you.
“But why?”, you might ask. Good question. A very good question, to which I can provide a very good answer: Because it felt like the right thing to do. That’s why.
You see, I seemed to have fallen to a dark place, a cold, lonely place, where I no longer knew with any certainty who I was or where I was going. Most mornings I could just barely pry myself out of my little bed, so terribly bored was I with my life, with who I had become, with who I wasn’t becoming. It became harder and harder each day to silence that little voice in my head that would say “Just end it now, Marianne… Just do everyone a favor will you and just end it now…” Something had to change. So something… did.
I feel like it’s now or never, you know? It’s time to step up to the plate and take charge of my life, to get more in touch with who I really am, to stop living a lie. I recommend you do the same, because it feels really, really good. (I feel better already… and we’re just getting started!) And so I have decided to dedicate my life to living out my legacy as the human equivalent of a squirrel that is actually a cat trapped inside a squirrel’s body (um.. “Cat Power” was already taken…), until further notice. Because I can’t imagine anything that would make me happier right now.
Does that make sense to you? No? Well, you know what? I hear you. I really do. A lot of things in this world really don’t make sense to me either, you know. A lot of things. For what it’s worth. But the one thing, I mean THE ONE THING that makes a lot of sense to me right now, is that me being Squirrel Power is the right thing to do. And so..
So very nice to meet you (again). :)
Love,
Squirrel Power
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: apartment drama, apartments, BunnyRabbit, cat, Marianne Baker, optimism, roommates, squirrel power
Well hello squirrels! Long time no update.
I write to you from a sunny Toronto morning (a rare experience for me these days, with my new late-night schedule), my boyfriend’s apartment, my leopard print bathrobe, crusty make-up from last night, bad breath, a lot of caffeine, one perfect pancake currently being digested in me. Not a bad place at all, all considered. Let’s start there.
I’m trying to stay positive. I’m telling you, I’m really trying. Of course it is easier said than done, but look around, for crying out loud! No matter what I tell you, I’m still doing better than most. And I mean that– MOST. People all over the world are suffering because they don’t have enough to eat, because they or someone close to them has been harmed physically and/or emotionally for political reasons, because they’ve lost their home or loved ones or pets due to environmental or financial destruction, or because they simply don’t fit in where they’re at, be it because of the colour of their skin, their beliefs, their accent, their size or their shape. In the words of one great band R.E.M, basically, “Everybody hurts”.
I’ve got it pretty good.
So with that said, do I even have a right to complain? Just because my roommate– and once very good friend– has gone a bit wacky on me and left me with a lease on an apartment I a) don’t really want; and b) can scarcely afford on my own; and c) don’t really want to share with some new (potentially crazy and/or creepy) person and d) still can’t even settle into as my living room, hall and kitchen are completely cluttered with soon-to-be-former roommate’s stuff (which might– futile as it might seem, after reading the first half of this run on sentence– somehow make me feel better about my recent investment I have not yet been able to enjoy? Can I please just paint? Just a little paint? And some music? God that would be good… Hell, even just getting high off the fumes for a few hours might make all this seem a little better?? No??). Um… ???
Is there ever really such a thing as “settling” anyway? Everything is constantly changing, yet we humans insist on imposing our (completely ludicrous) ideas of permanency on this poor planet, who must of course be having a good laugh at all of us… I mean, all she has to do is sneeze a little and their we go– poof!!– one city at a time… Oh, Whoops! I mean the humans… Not me of course, I am a squirrel damnit! Stupid humans!
Oh, apartment drama! When will you be over? (Oh yeah, we I finally buy a condo? Don’t worry, it’s only another half a million on the low end… cough!). God, I’d love to move on to another topic already!
Coincidentally, my bf’s lease is up on this place as well (where I have been hiding out sneakily, until the chaos is over at “my ” place on the other end of town, at which I have spent no more than 3 nights since March… Bless Monkey Mike’s little heart for letting me stay here.. it is no small wonder he hasn’t killed me yet…) See what I mean? So we’re STILL apartment shopping, all of us… If I could only drive (were I not deathly afraid of all cars… another lovely little quirk with its own history I will not bore you with at the moment..), I would say I would be perfectly cut out for a career in real estate! I have been through so many places in the last few years, I’m practically an expert!
(on that note, if anyone is looking for something, feel free to ask! I have a pretty good idea what’s out there…)
Well Squirrels, if I haven’t mentioned so before, I am an optimist. As the comics tell me “joke or get angry”, and I know all of this will be funny one day. But I have not the heart to mock (codename BunnyRabbit) in this blog, not now, not yet… At the root of all my frustration (the boxes, the constant crying/complaining/Debbie Downer all over/claims of “noises in the night” of which I cannot attest to as I have not heard ANYTHING AT ALL, those damn moose antlers my bf had to put up for her not once but TWICE, since the first hanging wasn’t good enough or in the right spot of whatever the reason is… I could go on but I think I might have already lost you…) lies the fact that I’m just a little sad that her and her cat are leaving, that I couldn’t make them happy. I’m really going to miss them.
Good friends are hard to find. Really. My advice (in case you need it?): Don’t move in with them!!!
Nobody’s perfect. We’re all a little bit crazy/misunderstood/bitter/unpleasable/irate in our own ways. Sometimes it makes sense, but usually it doesn’t…. Most people can’t see past their own damn nose to realize how good they got it..
I take comfort in anything available, and on that note, there is still quite a lot: Pink Floyd, Mos Def, the former Notorious B.I.G., comedians, making cookies (and eating them), sunshine, green grass, a bath, a cup of English Breakfast tea with lots of milk (aaaaahh, tea), a new book, some dancing, the wonderful facilities at Monkey Mike’s pad which I will have access to for at least another month, a 45% discount on booze at my new job, walking with my ipod turned up loud enough that all the neighbours can hear, and of course, writing this blog. (And not in that order necessarily.) Things will be OK. Or at least, somehow, remotely interesting.
Once again, THANK YOU for indulging me. :-)
I love you all.
P.S. I have a room available on the East end if anyone is looking. VERY GOOD REFERENCES, a sense of HUMOUR, CLEANLINESS, and first and last will be required. Feel free to email me if interested.
xoxoxo
S.P.
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: birthdays, cats, comedy, ipods, Japan, Marianne Baker, moving, waitresses
Hola Squirrels!
I’m taking a little break from the madness to write you again. Crazy times over here!
So I’m mostly moved into my new pad on the Eastside with my new roommate (codename: BunnyRabbit) and her little kitty (codename: Little Old Lady), but boy is it messy in here still! I’m all over wanting to do wallpaper (wall fabric maybe?? that could be fun) and hoping to tackle some of the today, but there are still boxes everywhere, shelves have already gone up, things that need to be put on shelves clutter up the space underneathe… BunnyRabbit (my oppostite, but twin), has more stuff than I could imagine… which is a bit of a shock but good in a way, as it means I can get rid of even more of my own junk that I don’t really need (I have always lived with a little as possible… I still have some of that runaway/viking-slash-monk in me after all these years..). We have duplicates of pretty much EVERYTHING! so if anyone needs anything, well you know who to call…
So little time… I have picked up another job at a respectable comedy club (no, I’m not going to tell your stalker ass where..), so that’s keeping me pretty busy, in addition to everything else that is keeping me busy these days. I’m bringing folks food and drinks and things, and getting to meet all the great comics that come through there, so it’s a good gig. They make me laugh. Makes me feel young, in a way (I haven’t been a waitress since I was… 21 maybe? And briefly then.. the highlight of my waitressing career was between the ages of 17 and 19 (I think I’m better at it now though), so that’s about how old I feel right now… this is good to offset the whole grey-hair fiasco I had a while back… and btw there haven’t been anymore… I think it’s cause I had a really scary dream the night before?? Well anyway, thank God THAT’s over… for now…) Um…
Speaking of feeling old and young and stuff… Did you know it was MY BIRTHDAY last Friday?? Oh no, of course you didn’t. Because yet again I have been almost completely overshadowed by another massive catastrophe… Everything’s Japan this, nuclear meltdown that… God, what about MY NEEDS?!?! Ugh… Joking (too soon Marianne, too soon!!!)
Ok maybe not COMPLETELY. My bf took me out for a nice late dinner at a fancy Italian place last Sat… I got to leave work a bit early since our second show was pretty slow. They had just shut down the kitchen at Sorrento, but the guy invited us in anyway and made us some nice boccaccini salad and eggplant parmesan (my absolute fave… I could eat that everyday but I wouldn’t fit through the door…), sold us on some fancy expensive wine, and even a little slice of chocolate cake after that had nuts in it… Yummy! I blew out the restaurant candle and wished for peace and hits and perfect health and a lot of things… so many wishes!
Monkey got me a ring (and a new ipod– I put mine through the washing machine the other day so it’s been a bit awkward, taking subways and such with just the earphones on, pretending I’m listening to an ipod so no one will try to talk to me, nodding to the pretend beats in my head and all… It works for a little while, but I need MUSIC!!!). It’s not a now-I-own-you-and-you-must-marry-me kind of ring, but more of a here’s-that-pretend-marriage-ring-you-wanted-so-guys-won’t-bug-you-so-much-at-the-club, oh-and-I-put-the-receipt-in-the-bag-in-case-you-decide-you-just-want-the-cash-instead kind of a ring, and I love it. It’s a simple, thick silver band with a little ripple effect in it, and it’s just wonderful.
If only I could fix Japan. I am donating some of my tips, but honestly, it hasn’t really hit me yet. I am avoiding all news (what else it new?). Lately I’m not even surprised by this type of news– it has become so commonplace, “Oh, there goes Japan…”, everyday a new tragedy… That is what scares me the most…
I am working on living in the moment more. Enjoying the little things. Take a look around, take it in. Enjoy what is there. Little Old Lady keeps coming around for a cuddle, as I write you. She’s old (17 to be exact, which is like 80 in cat years I think??), but she still looks and acts like a kitten– she’s very small, which adds to the effect– I can kind of relate. I like her a lot. :-)
I’m going to go look for fabric, see if anything is still open. This day is disappearing quickly. It’s been nice talking to you though!
Cheers! My fine friends. 
love always,
Squirrel Power
xoxox
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: acting, aerial silks, curing depression, NLP, squirrel power, stalkers
Hey Squirrels,
I’m going to make this quick, because, well, I’m in a lot of pain over here. See– I’m having a bit of a prastinatey-slash-can’t-decide-what-I-want-to-do-most-with-myself kind of day over here (hey, what else is new?), so I’m, um, “multitasking”… I wanted to update my blog and I also wanted to practise my silks a bit so I’m doing both. Simultaneously. Getting rug burn (well, silk burn…) on my feet as I write this. But that’s like, the least of my worries right now. I’m actually upside-down. NOT kidding.
Last week I wrote about insecurities week (and I had every right too, and if you felt it too, you’re welcome..), and this week I’m going to write about the opposite of that. Um, securities. Ok it doesn’t really have the same ring, does it? Well anyways… Ow.. this is hurting… Got to get on with it.
See squirrels? I think that sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone a bit, just to see what you can do. Or like, maybe so the other thing doesn’t seem so bad (when you look at it from another angle?), so you can get back to it, and like, it’s way easier or something. I’m moving. Did I tell you that? To the complete opposite end of town. With my best friend (twin) from grade 1 in Sudbury. And a cat. Serious. It’s going to be awesome. I’m moving in like 3 days or something. Jesus, I really should be packing! Haven’t even started yet! Ow ow ow… Enough about that.
“Reframing”. Have you ever heard of that? Those “NLP” people are all over it, not that I’m an expert or anything… So are comedians. Like if your parents/boyfriends/clients/random people from your neighbourhood are psycho, instead of saying, “God, why all these psychos? Why me? Why do I always get the crazies?” and so on, you could look at it like “Geez, I must be special! Everyone is just crazy about me!” or something. Ow ow ow. (What was I thinking?!?) I don’t generally use fancy terms, but I like looking at the brightside, you know? I’ve always kind of felt that way (although I can’t say I’ve always put it into practice…). Looking at life from another angle.
You know something? When I get out of these silks, life down below is going to feel a lot better than it did yesterday, and like, especially right now… Cause my feet hurt and all the blood has rushed to my head and it kind of hurts, right? So standing up straight doesn’t seem like such a bad idea, when you look at it that way…
Some good news from today: I seem to have convinced (aka tricked) (one of) my agent(s) to take me back on the roster, and it looks like maybe I’m going to be needed again for stuff, which isn’t so bad, cause I get bored when I have too much time on my hands, and I don’t appreciate it, and I get nothing done. Really. Nada. Anyways, nothing is so terrible if you’re willing to look at it the right way. You can get paid to read? What’s so bad about that, right?? I like any job that has a start and end date up front and honestly. Just show up, and then leave, and never talk to us ever again, please. I think I can live with that!
I’m going to get a new wig– a pink one!– just for fun. Serious. And then, if I get bored with that, maybe a blue one, and then maybe a green one. Why not? If I ever have to go through chemo for something (which I won’t… but you just never know), it won’t be so bad, ’cause I’ll already have the wigs anyway. No one will tell the difference.
Speaking of weird health things, my mom seems to be doing better– not that we talk, really, ever– she had that crazy CCSVI surgery done in Cali and apparently didn’t need any “stints” in her veins (which is apparently “good”?, right? what do I know?) She says she won’t know if it’s really working for at least 6 months or something, but her hands feel warm, which is apparently a good sign. (Sigh of relief!!!). Mine too. I’m sweaty-McSweaterson down here… Aaaargh….
Sometimes I write letters to myself, but then sign them as someone else (someone I like, for example…), and then send them to myself (this is pretty easy to pull off– I have soooooo many email accounts now… even though I’m pretty sure it would work with just the one..). I say things like “Dear Squirrel Power/Marianne/Mari B/Whatever I feel like being called that day.. You’re so freaking AWESOME, you know? Eeeesh. I just LOVE YOU!!! Just had to write you a letter to let you know, you know, how freaking awesome and amazing you are. Oh my God, I’m getting hot just writing this. Oh yes, you’re so awesome, I have to go take care of something, and then come back later and write you another letter, telling you how awesome that was, you know, touching myself and thinking about your own special kind of awesomeness…” and so forth. They always make me feel better. Sometimes I write them in the night, and then forget about them, and then when I wake up in the morning (or, whenever I get around to waking up…) I read them, and they really make my day. So, basically, I’m staking myself. And I’m doing a WAY BETTER JOB at it then any of those other crazie
upside-down squirrel
s I’ve had to deal with in recent years, SO THERE.
See? Don’t feel bad. It’s not just you. Someone else out there (ie.: me..), is even crazier than you. You should try this stuff sometimes. Now go on, get to…
I can’t feel my feet so I gotta go….
Love ya!
xoxox
SP
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: aging, alcoholism, anxiety, asexuality, claire brosseau, facebook status, grey hair, insomnia, low self-esteem, Marianne Baker, night sweats, Valentine's Day
Hey Squirrels,
I don’t know about you, but this has been a pretty rough week for my ego. I might as well just come right out and say it. And you know, I think the whole “Valentine’s Day” sham might have something to do with it– the whole focus on romantic love and feeling like you need to have everything perfect, be perfect, have a perfect relationship, pretend everything is just fine and dandy because if it isn’t, well then you failed this Valentine’s. Of course, if it weren’t “Valentine’s”, none of this would matter– you would just go on living your life, coping the way you normally would, in this big ol’ boring, pathetic, hate-yourself-of-a-month that is February, anyways.
And on that note, a little mid-Feb love Day ISN’T such a bad idea, now that I think about it– at best it brightens things up a bit, no? But I think it’s only fair that we declare an “Insecurities Weeks” to accompany the week of this famed Hallmark holiday, just to be fair. Are you feeling me?
Ok, here it is: I have just got my first grey hair. Possibly, many. And to top that, I discovered such in the mirror just before entering the U of T campus for a little field trip I had to make that day. Wonderful. So I spent the next two hours trying to keep my head low as I waded through crowds of what seemed like teenagers– teenagers with a higher education level than little ol’ moi, I might add– feeling like they were all staring at me, thinking they must be thinking “who’s that old girl with the grey hair? What’s she doing here?”. GREAT.
I’m 27-years old, people! I don’t need to be getting grey hair NOW!!! I mean, my mom doesn’t even have grey hair yet, and she’s way older than me! WTF??
What could be causing this? Stress? Anxiety? All this adult talk lately? You know, I went from spending Saturday nights dancing in a window in a wig and go-go boots, to spending them negotiating with my man about how or what time or how often or how not often enough we are having the you-know-what, between his schedule of kid visits, parenting classes, going to work early, and then me staying up all night (I am still an insomniac, probably always will be…), needing to find time to write, record, find a new job (it has become apparent I am more or less chronically un-employable, it seems… this really helps my ego too… ahem… NOT!!), find a new apartment (more on that later…)… It seems like there is no spontaneity anymore. I fear I am becoming a bit of a drag. An adult. UGH.
On that note, it occurs to me.. I really should try to get my job back. I liked being a window model. It was really too bad about the whole stalker incident, the ex-wife-wanting-me-dead thing (guess I can’t blame her, really…); it all just got to be too much. But it was the greatest job I ever had. I miss all those girls. I miss having no other responsibility than to show up, look pretty, smile and waive. I was both famous and completely anonymous, all at once. Boy, that was GREAT!! I can’t help but think of the good times. Now I worry that if they do take me back, it will only be out of pity, and behind my back they’ll be forcibly saying nice things like “wow, she’s such an inspiration. Still dancing, and at her age….” That is the worst. I have become another victim of the cliche trap that has ensnarled and destroyed so many other females in this brutal society. Aaaaaararrrrghh!
What should it even matter? I’ve always said, men and women shouldn’t die their hair when they get old; they should just let it turn grey or white, because it kind of rocks like that. And on that note, I– for many years– bleached and died my hair “ash blond”– which was super-hot, I might add, but waaaaaaaaaaaay too much chemicals and effort for a lazy squirrel like me— and that is, really, only a shiny version of grey. Silver, if you will. So how can that be a bad thing if it happens naturally? I guess it’s just… the thought of it.
I’m not afraid of being old; I’m afraid of growing old. It’s that awkward in-between stage, you know? It’s like, I’m still too young to roll with the old ladies (they won’t accept me yet– they’re too busy fighting against me and apparently everything I represent or remind them of, like a slap in the face, no fault of my own…), but it’s become painfully apparent that I’m not on the team of the young ones anymore. I’m having flashbacks from 6th grade– I was the first girl in my school to get boobs, and boy did I ever!! The ironic part was, prior to this, I prayed to God every night to give me huge boobs, to make me this insatiable sexy lady (strange, but true… I obviously didn’t get enough attention as a child…), and then BOOM! Boy did the man come through. And it was BRUTAL!!! (Careful what you wish for, ladies!). Suddenly I’m like this freak of nature in my school and all the boys are onto me, and all the girls hate me cause the boys are all over me, and the ones that are angry cause they’re not getting something they want from me are spreading lies about me, calling me names, and the jealous ones are joining in cause they’re just looking for something to make them feel better about themselves, and I’m just there– feeling pretty uncomfortable in my poorly-fitting training bra to being with, and this certainly isn’t helping– and I’m like what did I do??? People are brutal. Change is hard. It’s just a fact of life.
I found myself saying “I can’t WAIT to be old” the other day, after a few more-than-awkward incidents with boys (the usual stuff, apparently I just can’t be friends with anyone anymore? that sucks!), and now I’m deeply, deeply regretting it, of course. You can’t just ask for things and not expect the universe to hear you. Careful with this stuff!
Why did I want to be old? Well, because one day I will be a little old lady and I won’t have to worry about any of this stuff anymore: boys will no longer be interested in me, women will no longer be jealous of me (except for my mountains and mountains of money, of course! But I will keep it very will hidden so they won’t know.. Hehe!); I’ll become invisible. People will open doors for me and help me carry my bags and not because they’re hoping I’ll suck their cock after (then again… nah nevermind! gross!)… No one will flirt with me or follow me home at night, or stalk me, or make comments about what I eat or how much I weigh… Oh, it will be GREAT!!
I just don’t want to be aging. I am deeply afraid of getting old. I don’t want to be a living comparison to what I used to be. I guess that’s it. I wish I could stay 27 forever, or, failing that, just skip ahead to 80, like IMMEDIATELY. There it is. I said it. Released. Done.
I probably got three more grey hairs last night, thinking about this stuff. The bf (codename: Monkey) is out of town on business, and you know, I can’t help but worry about him and all these other bitches… It’s brutal. Why should I even care? You know, before I met the Monk, I had joined the Asexuals Visibility Network. Seriously!! I remember complaining to my friends that it wasn’t fair that there wasn’t a status on Facebook that you could pick that just said “not interested”. Like, why does my life have to be defined by whether or not I’m getting laid? Why do I have to be either locked down, “in an open relationship” (read: “slutty”), or “single” (read: “hoping to get some soon”)??? (PS: I’m not on Facebook anymore. There is one improvement in my life I can tell you about– whew!!) Are we all really so one-track-minded? How about just, “leave me alone???”. How about “I’m a human being having a spiritual experience and I don’t need to define that in relation to anyone’s cock, or lack of…”??? That is honestly how I felt at the time. And now… this??
I should have spent the night working on my songs, taking advantage of a little squirrel-sola time, but instead, I stayed up until three AM, worrying, crying, drinking alone (???), and reading Claire Brosseau’s Manbattical blog (can’t recommend that enough, btw– and PS, I am adopting the word “codename” into my vocabulary due to her influence– you got to give credit where it is due!). I went through pretty much a whole tray of cookies (good grief…), and woke up (sometime this afternoon…), to empty beer bottles, peanut shells EVERYWHERE (???), and my head feeling like it was about to explode. WTF?? So un-Squirrel-Power of me. Blaaaaaaaaaah… I feel TERRIBLE!!!
Monkey is going to come home tonight and I am going to have to explain that yes, it was me. Between the night sweats, the strange activities after midnight, the whining, complaining, farting, indecisiveness, taking-too-long-in-the-shower, and now GREY hairs, we also have drinking-almost-all-the-beer-in-the-fridge-while-you-were-away (almost– I resisted the urge to drink the last one, but it took A LOT of willpower, and I nearly lost that war..) to add to the list of reasons why, basically, I SUCK.
Well there it is. THANK YOU for indulging me. Feel free to share you own self-hatred too (if you have any), in the spirit of things (it would make me feel a lot better about myself! Please???). Now that I have that all off my chest, I feel better about things already. I guess I’ll go do something awesome now to make me feel better; I can come back and read this another time and have a good laugh at myself.
Happy Insecurities Week!
Love always,
xoxoxoxxo
Squirrel Power
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: banana muffins, low-carb baking, recipes
Squirrels!
I can’t sleep. The sun is almost rising. This is insanity. I am exhausted, but unsleepable. UGH. So much on my mind!
I want to play guitar but I would wake up a certain somebody(ies) so I’m making muffins! This late-night baking has become a bit of a habbit. I am in a frantic mood. As usual, this is all just an experiment. Of course, if you’re courageous, you can try it (or make them your own way, succeed, and tell me what you did? That might be helpful come to think of it!)
Midnight Muffins (makes 6)
1 banana
1/2 parsnip, cut up in very small pieces (in lieu of carrot and making-too-much-noise with the shredder… this should be interesting!)
1 whole apple, small pieces
7 packets of stevia and 1-2 tbs honey, mixed in less than 1/4 cup hot water
1 tbs vanilla
1 free-range organic egg
1/3 cup(ish) oil ( I used a combo of olive and hazelnut)
Little bit of cranberry juice, apple cider, balsamic vinegar (less than 1 tbs each)
1/2 tsp cardamon
1 tbs cinnamon
pinch of cayenne pepper (easy..)
1/2 tsp (pinch, really) baking soda
1/4 cup whole flour (I used whole wheat but spelt would have been preferred– I am not in my own kitchen tonight, boo)
1/4 cup psyllium husk
1/4 cup vega powder
1/4 cup oatmeal
1/4 cup flax seeds
handful sunflower seeds
handful sesame seeds
2 small boxes of raisins.
I think that was it…
For muffins, (as usual), preheat oven to 350 Farenheit. Combine wet ingredients (mash, wisk, etc…) in one bowl, and dry ingredients in another. Grease a muffin tin (I used some butter). When oven is hot enough, mix all ingredients together as quick as possible. Pour (spoon, pat, whatever), into cups. Bake 20 minutes.
They are in the oven right now. Here’s hoping!
PS The mamacita is in the hospital TONIGHT– she has just had the CCSVI “Liberation Procedure” I told you about earlier; in the end we sent her to Annaheim, CA to have it done (India will be for another day, mama…), so she’s chilling out Cali style as I wait to find out if the muffins I am obsessing over instead are done… I can’t say I know how the procedure went as I haven’t spoken with her, but the muffins smell good!
I want to be the first blogger to suggest a recipe for something that has NEVER BEEN MADE OR TRIED, NOT EVEN BY THE PERSON WHO WROTE IT. So there! A first. :-)
Love you all. Good day!
xox
SP
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: acting, Macbook, Marianne Baker, music, squirrel power, writing
Hello squirrels!
I’m back. Some more good news for you (uh.. I think…). Well, I was shopping on Roncy the other day (still my favourite place to shop, so friendly…), and I met this nice somewhat nerdy seeming guy while picking mushrooms (I have a heart-on for nerds of all sorts, by the way… Like in a friendly, brotherly-love kind of way..) I was struggling to get a bag– wearing fluffy mittens and balancing a coffee (much of which I had already managed to spill all over my white coat, as usual..)– and he was so kind to tear it for me. (This is not “flirting”, by the way– at least, it doesn’t have to be; it’s Roncy..). So when I noticed that he too was struggling to get his groceries home (he asked the clerk if he could come back for the two bags, and I only had one bag to carry, as I’ve been saving money by buying less food…), I offered to help carry them home (it wasn’t far). Well didn’t he give me his card when I left and let me know if I ever needed help with my Macbook….??? Oh that’s funny, I said, I actually like really do…
Nice guy! So he has the macbook right now, and I really, really, REALLY, hope he can fix it (I am updating this blog on the bf’s computer as we speak.. er, um.. as I write I guess… and realizing I’m like the worst blogger in the world right now, because I never write you anymore…. boo!!). Fingers crossed!!
I’m excited to get back to work on some new songs, regardless of the outcome of those. You know, it’s funny how sometimes you need to completely abandon something for a while to realize how much you love it. I’ve been doing some more acting and modelling work to tie me over for a few months (it’s not “selling out”, by the way, if you like it… I am extremely vain– and still young, but I won’t be for long– I might add); I was kind of thinking maybe a career change would be in order, maybe I’m more cut out to be an actress than a singer after all… But every time I am “supposed to be” reading a script, I can’t help but pick up the guitar instead, and do the complete opposite… And it dawned on me yesterday (I was at a callback, for something I may or may not be a part of, regardless of how much work I put into it), that the beautiful thing about “acting” is also the thing that kind of sucks about it too– being told what to do? Being at someone else’s mercy? Of course that’s kind of fun sometimes (depending who’s in charge… and don’t we all secretly just kind of want to be told what to do? There is so much comfort in not having to decide for yourself…), but when you are an artist you are writing your own script (for better or worse..). You don’t need to wait around in no audition room to get started… You really don’t need to worry if you’re good enough, if you fit the part… you just do it? I love that. Geez, it just dawned on me… (took me long enough!!)
So… here’s hoping that Mike guy can get the Macbook fixed… Really really hoping… I know it’s vain (I really struggle with that– what’s the point? Working so hard for all this narcissistic endeavours? So everyone can say “ooooh, you’re such a pretty singer..” or whatever??), but some part of me still believes it is worthwhile to express what is in your heart, simply because it is there and needs to be expressed. You don’t think it at the time, but you just never know who’s out there, who’s going to find your work (blog, music, book, whatever) at just the right time, just when they need to, and think “Hey, I kind of feel like that too… Maybe I’m not so alone in the world after all?” and that’s a good enough reason to do ANYTHING, well I think…
You know, I read other people’s awkward blogs all the time, listen to not-great demos, read books by other struggling wannabe authors (sometimes)… and it’s like I’ve found a friend, and I always feel better (or, at least, less sorry for myself..). Good friends are hard to find (and yet they’re everywhere, just waiting for you to find them? you just don’t see them until you look..). Well anyways… I knock it all the time, but the internet has probably saved my life on more than a few occasions, so the least I can do is update my blog I think… (I could do a lot more actually… really, Jesus!) Anyways..
I don’t always get what I want. But sometimes, hey, I get what I need…
Hmmm… Well here’s hoping, anyway…
I’ll write back with more updates as they come. For now, squirrels and critters of all kinds, stay positive! Oh yeah, and be nice to people you meet at the grocery store, cause you just never know…
Love forever.
xoxoxo
SP
Hellooo my little prickleypears!
I found this on Twitter (via @Up_Animals) and of course HAD to share with the rest of you (my tweets are now privatized due to excessive stalker problems, although you can easily request to view them and will be granted permission if you’re not one of THOSE… )
Zoo Employees Save Squirrel from Tiger!! Caught on tape!!
It’s been a pretty weird day here in Toronto so far… And don’t even make me get into it!!! Eeesh…. But anytime I hear that a squirrel has been saved from a Tiger, well, you know, THAT IS GOOD NEWS TO ME!!
Love forever,
S to the P
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: CCSVI, hope, love, Marianne Baker news, meditation, rants, self-help, squirrel power, Zamboni Liberation Treatment
Hellooooooooo squirrels!
Anyone out there? Can you hear me? (A tumbleweed brushes past as I begin my diary entry…)
Have you ever woken up one day and thought “Where am I? What am I doing here? What’s happening? Have I been kidnapped? What’s going on??” Ugh. I hate that.
It’s 2011 already! I can’t believe that. It has been far, far too long since I’ve provided an update. What to tell you!?!
Well, some good(ish) news to share with you, first of all: I have a mother somewhere (I’m not especially close with), and she was diagnosed with “Multiple Sclerosis” (the condition and definition of which has changed and is changing dramatically at the moment, following some breakthrough research by the Italian Dr.Zamboni) about 4 years ago- this is something I have attempted to avoid thinking about via every means available to me. It was believed– up until just recently– that there was no “cure” available to this “disease”, that the only thing the patient could expect was a long and painful “managed decline”, a life of increasing dependency on others with every passing year, an end to career, love and happiness, and a mountain of medication in hopes of easing the worst of the symptoms. Not exactly the dream you envisioned for your life, right? Or for anyone you know, even if you hate them?
I have been waiting– 4 years now– to get the call: that my estranged mother is dead, that I am somehow responsible for it, that she has given up on life altogether, faced with her own harrowing reality, and that I will have to organize her funeral. The call never came, but I was waiting for it, everyday. Not wanting, per se, but waiting, yes. You could call me paranoid if you didn’t know any better (and I would forgive you for it).
So as you might imagine, things have been a bit tense on my end (try as I have to pretend otherwise), and I have avoided writing about this subject up until now for lack of anything good to tell you about it. Until now.
My mama is a lucky lady, because her Daddy is rich enough and loves her enough to sell off some land in France to finance the “cure” (and we’re all hopeful it will turn out to be that indeed, and well worth the $10,000 + trip expenses it costs!). Of course, there are hundreds of thousands– perhaps over a million?– people who are are not so lucky, and now is not the time to stop ranting about the injustice of that.
For example: if you have a heart attack when your 60 years old because your fat ass couldn’t stop eating butter and hamburgers and potato chips and whatever else, nobody says “Um, well, you are going to need triple bypass surgery but, well, the prognosis might be low and we don’t know if you will or deserve to live any longer, and it’s going to be pretty expensive, so we’re not going to fund it, you might have to leave, sir…”; no, no, they just DO IT. Because you’re dying and– according to good ol’ Canadian health care, it is the role of the doctors and the taxpayers (and not necessarily the individual who could have prevented it) to save you, and they will. (Except if you have MS?).
And I know that there are arguments on both sides, and plenty of people (but mostly just Americans) will tell you that your health is your own responsibility and not that of the government (and they have a point, too), but here in this “1st world” nation– Canada– we believe in universal healthcare and that means EVERYONE, and there are plenty of treatments available on the market (for free to us, more or less), that don’t necessarily work that well either, nonetheless they are available. (How many folks out there are getting anti-depressent meds from their docs like candy, when good ol’ fashioned love+exersise+proper nutrition+sunlight+living the life they were meant to live might be what they need instead?? Why are we teaching people that dependency on pharmaceutical companies should take the place of personal effort and needed life changes? Why are we telling them that there must be something CLINICALLY WRONG WITH THEM, that their pain couldn’t possibly have anything to do with what they put into or do with their bodies, how they feel about the world they’re living in, what they’re not doing to change any of it…? And we’re funding that… Well I guess that’s another rant….)
Anyways, I’m not an expert in the area (but I’ve been reading as much as I can on the subject– even found this nice lil student on the internet to sell me her textbook for “Anatomy+Physiology 101″ so I could edumacate myself a little further… boy, there is a lot to learn…), but I think– from where I’m sitting anyway– that the injustice is clear. That if there is a simple treatment available (a simple angioplasty+ stint to “unblock” narrowed veins which drain the blood from the brain, which– according to Dr.Zamboni– would drain excess iron from the brain before it causes further damage in the myelin sheaths of the nerves which– again, according to this fascinating doctor– is what is making the MS patients feel horrible as they do, losing control of their motor skills and such… ugh!), a simple treatment that will make people feel better– even if it only prolongs their life and ability to happily participate in it for another 10 years???– then we should be making that treatment available to them. And being that most people who have MS (or “CCSVI” as it is now being called) can barely tie their own shoelaces let alone stand up for themselves– to government entities and pharmaceutical lobbiests– well, someone has to say something. So there is it… Time will tell. Please check out the link I posted earlier (here’s another one) for more detail on this (if you’re interested in that sort of thing).
It’s funny how you can hate someone for so long and then love them all at once, the thought of losing them turns your world upside down, the thought of them suffering makes you suffer too… Love is ridiculous, what can I say? Still, it’s the better choice… given your options…
So here’s hoping my mama will be better soon, and that she doesn’t die of heat stroke or dehydration on her trip to India in the interim… Of course, if it works, I mean, the angioplasty– she won’t have this excuse to blame all her problems on anymore… And neither will I… (Wow, I can’t believe I just wrote that. I am a TERRIBLE daughter! Geez… )
Isn’t that funny? It’s the upside of down. If you have one good reason, you can blame anything on it. For ten years now, we’ve all had the war and the media and the haunting injustice, unimaginable cruelty of the powers that be in this world to compare ourselves to… Gee, you’d think that would be enough… My generation is pretty bratty and selfish (isn’t everyone though?), but we have this fancy loophole for all our misbehavior and complete lack of shit-togetherness– see, compared to everything else that is going on (still???), our problems seem pretty tiny in comparison… But there is a benefit I’d happily give up in a heartbeat, if only I knew how to stop it… And don’t I have a convenient excuse for not trying (threat of police brutality and jail??), for relaxing in my own apathy, delicious distractions, witty displeasure but no plan… God, it’s disgusting. Humans are terrible. At least I have something to rebel against– that’s the only good thing I can say about that, and any “good” certainly does not outweigh the price at which it comes…
Back to squirrel world… it’s better out there, in the woods, hidden away…. Hiding my nuts in case of nuclear armageddon (haha!)… hiding in the leaves so I don’t have to make eye contact with anyone… (Hey, WORLD!! How can you LIVE WITH YOURSELVES???)
I wonder if anyone is reading this…?
I didn’t feel like writing very much this last year (as you can probably tell..) I wrote a lot of songs, but they were all so dark… My computer completely died on me at one point and I didn’t even blink.. I never mourned the loss of all that music, it was depressing to write and probably would have been the same to listen to… Aerial training became my new meditation: It hurt so much, it was so scary, I couldn’t think about anything else. Various things– to manage the pain– made me forget about my mom too. I became numb, just like the rest of you. It’s easier not to think about it if you just don’t think (obviously!) At one point I forgot why I started or where I was going and everything got pretty confusing for me… But in the process– and I didn’t notice it happening but it seems clear to me now– I got stronger. I know I am stronger now, and what didn’t kill me certainly helped me… (That’s right bitches, BRING IT!)
I went back to school last spring, and did the “Thai Massage” program here in Toronto. They made us meditate everyday, say things like “I’m willing to let go.. I’m at peace with myself… I’m at peace with the world…”, bla bla bla, and I think it was good for me in a way, but that was all pretty hard to swallow. How can you be at peace so damn easily? I wondered, about all those self-satisfied self-proclaimed “wellness” gurus. What are you doing to bring about that peace? It is like a drug, that meditation stuff, and I totally get why people do it. You settle for the fact that you can’t change anything, and you invoke this false sense of total happiness, and return to your apathetic existence feeling GREAT about everything. I have a hard time buying that. But it was a neat experience for me, and certainly all this stuff about getting “back into my body” and being “aware of my feelings” and all of that was a bit of a wake up call (not one I was ready for, mind you– damn it, I don’t want to get back INTO my body, I want to get OUT of it!!!). I’m sure there was a lesson in there for me somewhere, maybe one I’m not fully ready to use yet….Maybe I’ll just have to “let go” as they say, and embrace what comes… Well maybe. Excuse me, I have to re-type my resume I think… Um, I’m going to need a new job. Hope to get a new macbook soon. I have some new songs now. They might even be good– who knows? I’m enjoying the process, anyway. And after all that was said and done (and not done…) I think that’s the point.
Keep your heads up, squirrels. And keep your eyes open. And don’t be afraid to open your mouth… Say what’s real. The world needs you– all of you– desperately right now. Please don’t give up.
I hope the next blog will be better (and shorter!!). That’s all for now, folks. I think we’re about up to date. Anything else… probably isn’t your bizness, really…
Love you all (even the creeps that stalk me on here to only manipulate my words in hopes of using them again me, and then email me constantly about it– you make me feel less creepy about myself!)
xoxo
SP
Filed under: Uncategorized
Hello little Easter bunnies!!
Operation Lovetrain was ever so much fun!!! Stephanie Storm and I did some dancing on a train in Toronto!! We did NOT get kicked off the subway (much to our surprise!!), although a man did give us his card (“I’m a criminal lawyer”) in case we had any “problems”, which we didn’t. So many funny moments. It is so great to see people come out of their shell in a public place. You never know who you might meet on the subway! (if only they’d TALK to you!)
I know there are a lot more photos and videos of this event than I have at my disposal at the moment — our “official” camera guy left after the first train as he thought that would be the end of it, but we in fact spent the whole evening going to train to train, dancing the night away!! If any of you have any more footage of us to share (I myself got into rocking the floor quite a lot more after having handed out the last Easter egg of the evening… and I have the knee bruises to prove!!), please do!! In the meantime, please check us out on Youtube!
Interested in joining us? We have a secret group called Guerilla Circus on Facebook for dancers, aerialists, models, and people who like mischief in general– please email me if you’d like an invitation! Stephanie Storm and I are heading this group with a few others– it was just myself in the beginning but I’m finding new friends everyday. All involved have agreed we should definitely throw MORE subway parties in the future– way too much fun!!! I myself am going to invest in some of those Mighty Grip gloves like Stephanie had. The time has come.
Happy Easter everybody!
xoxxoxo
Squirrel Power + Stephanie Storm
Filed under: Uncategorized | Tags: Guerilla Circus, Marianne Baker, Operation Lovetrain, peace, squirrel power, Stephanie Storm, We are not your soldiers
Helloooooo squirrels!
Long time no noise! I have been wrecking my mind to find an excuse for this by the way, thinking it is so unforgivable to have abandoned you on your own for so long like this, but alas– I am a squirrel, and the only thing there is to say about THAT is, of course, squirrels hibernate during the winter. So hello spring! Birds chirp at my window as I write this. I am up early due to having woken up in the middle of the night to email members of the Guerilla Circus coordinates for today’s Operation Lovetrain (see twitter clues if you want to come- you’re in for a treat!!) and made the mistake of making a strong cup of tea in this process, which left me restless (not unusual). So I have given up on the fight for sleep once again and am making more tea. This tea is EXCELLENT by the way– it is Sri Lanken rose tea. It never ceases to amaze me, how spoiled I am, what wonderful treats I have. The birds seem to sing just for me. They are better than any band I have ever heard.
It has been a strange winter indeed. I don’t feel I need to tell you the news because if you’re on the internet you’ll hear about things one way or another. I– like you– am as shocked and confused and frustrated as anything. And for a long time, simply numb. We live in an age where major catastrophes and horrible, awful tragedies appear in the headlines alongside the news of what celebrities are wearing this week, and seem to have as much impact. And I don’t blame anyone for wanting to tune this stuff out– you are angry and sad all the time if you think about it too much. I think we are all living in a state of shock and denial . I can’t wait for the war to be over, and yet it continues… I want to believe things are changing for the better… And then it seems the opposite is true… I don’t know what to think and I get scared and angry…
I am a squirrel. I do not understand these humans. I do not understand.
Before I get too carried away with my vague rants, I’d like to plug a charity that is very close to my heart. Please check out We Are Not Your Soldiers. They have assembled a team of young men and women who have gone abroad with the US army and have come back to tell young kids it is NOT like the video game that military recruiters make it look like in their presentations to HIGH SCHOOL CHILDREN. This is not a joke. Their main targets are inner-city kids and immigrants– they lure them in with the promise of a better life– golf courses! free health care!! etc..– but in reality the only promise is something called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (if they make it home). They are preying on these poor young kids and robbing them of their livelihood. Please check out the site. I think it is IMPERATIVE to reach our children before military recruiters get to them, so we can stop them from being shipped away for this bloody war before it is too late and we can’t get them back.
The world is sick, and we will all feel it in our own ways until we can make it better. No matter what anyone tells you about me or anybody else you will hear about who is struggling, this is the truth I will maintain. If you don’t feel ill when you read the news– if you think everything is laddy-daddy-perfect-lovely and you are NOT on meds and you are NOT drunk or on drugs and you function perfectly fine, well then good for you, but in my mind you must have no conscience. Or maybe, like myself so often, you are just not reading the news anymore…
It does seem a bit petty to write about my experiences dancing in underwear with a parrot or performing on a piece of fabric hung up in front of a few thousand stoned kids, in light of everything else that is going on in the world. And yes– as you have might have noticed– I haven’t been writing much. And yet, it is these very activities that enable me to write anything at all– to be alive and optimistic, able to write– this is why I have dedicated what remains of my youth to making the best of it, taking back what was taken from me, living out a dream I feared I lost long ago… It is for joy and for love that I exist, and because of it. I would like to spend the rest of my life dancing if I could and never have to think about war and famine and people being crushed under buildings etc… But I would be a happier dancer if everyone else in this world had that right too.
Please don’t think I don’t question my own motives any less than you. All the time. I am deeply ashamed at my own powerlessness my inaction, my apathy, as much as I am with my country and the barabaric activities of others whom I cannot control. But I am working to be the best Squirrel Power I can be regardless– I refuse to give up my joy and my hope for a better world. I will not give in. Remember friends, please: the first step to better times is to imagine them. But then you must make yourself heard somehow. And then put your money where your mouth is of course. But you don’t need me to tell you that.
On that note, I have said my piece for today and now I must stretch. And then off to buy treats for the kids. I really hope to see you all on the train tonight! And please, in the world’s of Batman’s late father: ”Do not be afraid. Do not be afraid.”
Love forever,
Squirrel Power
xoxoxoxo
PS: She told me not to (“my videos suck! I need a new video!!” Oh, but don’t we all?!?), but here is a link to one of Stephanie Storm’s pole dance videos, in case you do come out tonight and were wondering who that GORGEOUS and fearless dancer was who’s been hanging around lately. Oh whoops!! I think I just found her youtube account!!! I’ve been taking private classes with her to learn this art– no big ambitions here but pole is an AMAZING workout and it’s so much fun!! I would HIGHLY recommend her classes– she also teaches at Felinity. Oh yeah and if anyone is looking to hire a pole dancer for a club or event (in clothes).. Toooootaly recommend!!! Teeheeheee!! I have a girl crush! K that’s my happy news plug for the day! Bye for now!!
PPS: YES I still have a new record in the works! It is taking a little longer than expected BUT I am very much looking forward to telling you all about it when it is DONE. Thank you ever so much for your patience and love and support– it means the world to me. It really does. <3 <3 <3
